tomboy
it isn’t a slur, as far as i know. at least in modern english. but it’s outdated, even moreso in the philippines.1 the gender binary struggles to hold its own anymore among those who defy it, tomboy maybe fading with it. as the term fades in use, so do my preconceptions that the only ways to be one is to like women and dress and act butch.
yes, present tense.
i know. why do i still think this way? is it internalized transphobia? me, thinking i’m not masc enough to consider myself transmasculine, especially in comparison to others who identify as such. to some of my closest friends, i’ve mentioned that i am fine being transmasc without testosterone in any capacity; i’d just have to dress and behave the part since it’s all i can afford in this life.2 but then i search for tomboy fashion, tomboys with long hair, fat men fashion on pinterest, instagram, google. none of it speaks to me, and though it isn’t anyone’s fault (not justifiably anyway), it leaves me wondering if i’m doing this whole thing wrong. the butch thing. the boy-ish thing. my thing. me.
but if it just feels right then shouldn’t that be enough? it’s not like i go up to anyone androgynous or femme or both or nothing or everything telling them they’re anything but. besides, who am i to assume at surface level, too? if i can’t do that to someone else, why should dealing with myself be any different?
i wear some skirts and dresses in the meantime. it’s easier that way, and though it’s got almost nothing to do with being in touch with my feminine side, how else do i explain that to someone who’s just passing by? turns out i don’t have to. so i won’t. not then and there. but that doesn’t mean i don’t wish someone would just ask.
the term tomboy generally refers to lesbian in filipino culture due to the nature of “liking women” being thought of as a “traditionally male” activity (yes this is me being coy. not about the entire definition, just this last part)↩
assuming i live with my parents the entire time. not saying it isn’t doable…↩