collective
i joined a friend group lately. this time, i'm skipping the part where i pretend i don't want to be around these people as much as i really want to because i've already spent 20ish years shrinking into myself and denying things that i and others deserve. my desire is bursting out the seams, even if learning something, someone new is daunting. it feels especially funny because i'm the newest addition but i'm initiating a lot and holding down the discord server. i'm the one who created it despite my newness, even if it's only because i know discord like that. past our first day together (karaoke night for digi's birthday a week ago), i'm not exactly seeking a consistent, overt sense of welcoming since everyone is different, but i hope the others can at least feel that much from me in my own silly ways, into my life.
my dad was around when i opened up to them the other night on call. it was everyone's first time hearing about these things. but as i was playing webfishing, about to expound on the sadder parts of a story i have countlessly relived, not minding my dad's physical presence because i figured he wasn't really listening anyway, digi stopped me. "wait, let's not trauma bond." and you know what? abso-fucking-lutely, let's not. i am already reminded so much of my last friend group through these people, and so lucky that this time, we don't have physical distance keeping us apart. we all live minutes away. nobody is entitled to everyone's availability, and that's ok because we're all adults and we aren't each other's only friends and thank god. i don't want to mess up something so precious so soon. i'd like not to ever, even. because i've shared collective trauma before, and i don't know why i keep forgetting the sinking feeling of that aspect being the only thing keeping us together until it happens again. it was a lifetime ago, another life, ages, etc. well, what's it like to die and not come back?
it's new. i haven't been here before, not really. i'd like to be. i have to. life should be the singular, seamless thing it is.
we shifted gears towards movies and watched one together instead. one that had nothing to do with us aside from being our first.